Holiday Stress and Anxiety

Oh my Lord, it's December, people!

The month when my brain goes a mile a minute during all of the minutes. The season when I am forever remembering that I've forgotten something. (How is it even possible to be constantly in a state of both forgetting and remembering??? It's like having my feet in two different dimensions at the same time. In one version of reality I am remembering everything--Yay; in the another version I am forgetting everything--Boo. (I hope there's a third reality where I'm just napping and reading and drinking coffee.)

Fifteen minutes ago, I checked out twice at Target because the first time I forgot a gift card-- the gift card that was my main purpose for going to Target in the first place...and this was my third trip to Target in the last seven days. (insert eye roll here-- Target you are a blessing and a curse.)

But my brain did not just short circuit on December 1st, oh no. That happened on November 24th...

We visited my in-laws for Thanksgiving this year and had The. Best. Time! We visited with both of my husbands parents, had Thanksgiving dinner and a lovely evening at his cousins, and then had an awesome night of fun at his brother's house. I even got to have lunch with my dear friend, Kristen (who has known me for over thirty years and still likes me!), which I only get to do once a year and it's my favorite! I was even managing to keep up with my Nano word count. It. Was. Great.

Until it wasn't.

It happened Saturday night. We were set to tackle the 8+ hour drive home Sunday morning when, out of nowhere, my daughter got sick...followed by my husband just a few hours later. It was terrible. Mainly it was terrible for them (obviously), but somehow it became terrible for me, too.

I didn't get sick--not with the stomach bug, at least. (Thank you, Sweet Jesus.) But somewhere in the mix of caring for my sickies and waiting to get hit by it myself, my anxiety ramped up and had an absolute field day with me.

My stomach was a mess. I felt run down and worn out. I was exhausted. And yet, I was keyed up. I was in a constant state of "I just have to get everything done before this hits me." I rushed around like a maniac, while some part of my brain spun in a never-ending cycle of questioning all body sensations and wondering if "that was it...am I about to get it?"

But when we finally made it home and everyone got better, I didn't. I continued to spin. Physically and mentally. Spin. Spin. Spin.

Here's what's funny: I didn't even realize it was the anxiety. (I know, sad. You'd think I'd spot it quickly by now, but I've proven to have a blind spot for this.) It wasn't until my husband said something to me, that maybe this was my anxiety, that I had the light bulb moment.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. The anxiety.

Do you have that moment when your period surprises you one day and then you're like, oh, right, that's why I was insane a few days ago!? This was kind of like that. After-the-fact clarity.

And that's also when I remembered that I'd given up almost all self-care during this time, too. No mediation. No exercise. Very little quiet, downtime. So I launched back into routine, full force. And I started to feel better. And now I'm hyper-aware and watching that little rascal, anxiety, extra closely. Every time it rears its ugly head, I tackle it with breathing and calming, happy thoughts and tell it to hit the road.

Now, I'm back to regular holiday stress. My friend Julie sent me this meme the other day:

Speak the truth, meme. Preach.

Here's the truth of December 2018 for me so far:

My house is partially decorated-- partially decorated with Christmas decorations and partially decorated with giant storage bins. (We're still not done, much to my chagrin.) I got a bunch of Panera gift cards while my daughter was at Girl Scouts Sunday night and was all high-fiving myself only to realize after I got home that I'd forgotten someone. Same with Target gift cards--ordered them during the 10% off day, and forgot one. I have not given one thought to Christmas cookies or food for when all the guests descend beginning next week. It's possible that my poor mother will have to grocery shop for and cook the food she eats while at my house. Send her condolences, please.

I currently have a hate-hate relationship with the grocery store, despite reminding myself endlessly how lucky I am to have a grocery that provides most of what I need, and to have the money to buy the food. I am the posterchild for first world problems and totally need to get over myself. But still, that fucking grocery store! Ugh!

I am randomly ordering gifts online. All the time. Like, just at random. No plan, really. Who knows if I'm getting not enough or too many. What if I'm ordering everything for one kid and nothing for the other? It could happen. And I haven't even looked at Christmas cards yet, let alone created and ordered them-- though I have thought about them once or twice. I haven't even thought about the family calendar I make every year. It may be Happy Valentine's Day-- here's your calendar-- hope you didn't need to know any dates in the month of January!

And don't even get me started on the attitude in my house right now! Where's the Christmas spirit? I can tell you where it isn't-- in my house!! My husband is massively stressed and overwhelmed at work and not sleeping, and there's nothing I can do to help except hug him a lot. Both kids are completely wack-a-doo. Angry and yelling. Bursting into tears. Not feeling well. Bouncing off the walls. Fighting over everything! Absolutely nothing is fair, according to them. Not. A. Thing.

I'm trying to hold it all together, people. I'm really trying. I'm chipper and chirpy as much as I can be, when I'm not completely run down from racing all over town and all over the house trying, trying, trying. I'm singing the Christmas songs and noticing the beautiful sky and thanking the universe for all the good and all the love. I'm snuggling with the kid warm from bed and giggling with the kid over some pillow talk when she's supposed to already be asleep.

And it turns out I'm just living the life.

As always, doing the best I can and learning the lessons over and over. And I'm getting a little bit better at it every year. And I try to remember that, and give myself a little credit. As my friend Julie said, It's okay to be stressed this time of year. Give yourself permission to let it be as it is. But don't stay there. Think the good thoughts too. Have the wine and the cookie. Look at the pretty lights. Smile at the person on the street. Listen to your kids' giggles. Hug your stressed-out spouse. Read a cozy book. Treat yourself tenderly. Send the loving kindness out into the world.

Send the loving kindness to yourself.

Until next time, ride the holiday roller coaster with as much lightness of being as you can muster, and I'll see you on the other side. xo

Happy Holidays and Namaste, friend.


P.S. For those who are wondering, I did win Nanowrimo 2018! I finished the 50,000+ word first draft of a new contemporary middle grade novel called, The Witchdoctor. And now I'm excited to get back to revising last year's Nano book. Yay! I'll update you more on the writing soon!