So, though it's been a long time since I've used this platform, I thought I'd share a few things I've learned...Both for the camaraderie (you are not alone!) and the edification of those coming up the years-ladder behind me and who may be a little wary of the BIG 5-0 rung.
Here are some of the pleasantly surprising Ah-Ha's that have come with turning 50:
While I haven't done all of the things I thought I would do by now, I am living the day-to-day life I hoped I'd be living by now. Turning 50 is a great time to stop and look around. (To be clear, so is every year, month, and day as it turns anew.) If you're a relatively driven, growth-oriented person like me who always has goals and a mile-long list of things you want to do, it can be easy to always feel like you're not doing enough. Or you're not getting anywhere because the to-do list is ever-growing. But stop and take a good long look at your life. How much of it do you love? How much of it is what you've always wanted? How much of it feels satisfying or just plain good?
WARNING: DO NOT DO THIS IF YOU'RE IN YOUR TWENTIES. THE ANSWERS WILL ALL BE 'LITTTLE-TO-NOTHING' AND YOU WILL GET DEPRESSED. THESE ARE QUESTIONS ONLY FOR THOSE 45+. YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE DONE ANYTHING IN YOUR TWENTIES!
I asked myself these questions, and guess what? I'm living the life I always wanted.
When I was in my twenties, what I wanted most was to find someone to love who loved me back. At 50? I found that person a quite a while ago and we have built an amazing life together and have a solid, loving relationship that brings me joy (most) every day.
I wanted kids, too. And here I sit, the mom of two awesome teens who I both love and adore, and actually like. I wanted to have a beautiful house. (Got it.) I wanted to live near my favorite city, Chicago. (Live there.) I wanted to stay close with my family and have some really great friends. (Check.)
I always wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write books, but I never really thought it was possible... until my niece showed me it was by writing a novel of her own as a teenager. Now I chase the dream of being traditionally published. And I haven't gotten there yet. But at 50? I've written over 6 full length novels! That's pretty f'ing cool.
And art...I always wanted to be good at art. I always enjoyed everything from being crafty to "real painting." But I never thought I'd be good enough. Turns out, being good enough doesn't actually matter. You can just paint and craft and do your own things and no one has to like any of it...not even you! So, now, at 50, I paint and craft and share what I make, and I love it!
Day in and day out, the ways I spend my days: writing, painting, volunteering, taking care of my home and family--this is the stuff dreams are made of. At least my dreams.
Every decade has its ups and downs, its positives and negatives. But... Life is better at 50 than it was at 20 or 30 or 40. In your twenties you look amazing (even if you don't think you do, trust me, you do) and physically feel pretty good much of the time. These are the two things you will miss about your twenties as you get older. They are pretty much the only things you will miss (except for maybe the freedom of not having to take care of anyone but yourself). Otherwise, your twenties are a roller coaster of highs and lows...the highs are AMAZING!! But the lows really, really suck. Like, REALLY. And a lot of the middle ground is just, meh.
The thirties are all about CHANGE. Everything changes in your thirties. There are marriages, babies, job changes, body changes. Your universe expands and your life starts to revolve around something other than you. And sometimes you lose yourself entirely--either in a relationship, motherhood, or a career. Something usurps you. This something may be awesome, but you'll spend many years trying to find a balance between its wants and needs and your own.
Then come the forties. The forties are a time of transition and recalibration. Maybe your kids are getting older and you're realizing you lost yourself in motherhood. Maybe you're finally established in your career, or maybe you're deciding you chose the wrong one, or it's simply time for a change. Maybe your marriage is coming out of the hardest phase--parenting young children together-and you're rediscovering each other, or maybe you're deciding you picked the wrong life partner. Regardless of your choices, this is often a time of reckoning with said choices and making some alterations. (I originally typed "altercations" here. I changed it to what I meant to type, but there may be altercations involved, too.) This is the time when you rejigger things. Decide what's really important and make changes to reflect that in your life. This decade has the metamorphosis in which you change the leadership of your life from mind to soul.
And this harkens the fifties. And the fifties are where you learn to feel good in your soul. If your soul says yes, you say yes. Does that feel good? Yes. Does that feel bad? No. Is that what I really want? Yes. Is that not really what I want? No. The center of your universe expands again. It's not just you, but it's also not just your kids or partner or work. Now it encompasses only the important things your world. All that sifting you did in your forties has allowed you to center your universe around just the gold--just the people, places, things, ideas, and feelings that you love. The rest can just float away. And that's why this is the beginning of the best time of life. You've done so much of the work, now you enjoy the fruits of your labor.
It seems to me, that the twenties are the age of the body. The thirties and early forties are the age of the mind. And the late forties and fifties begin the age of the spirit. This is where you embark on the road of enlightenment.
And this tells me that our society has misplaced its reverence on being young and its focus on the body. Being young is a gauntlet. It's a race from one milestone to the next, from one lesson learned to the next, from one super-high to the next super-low. And it's fucking exhausting. (That's why we sleep so much in our teens and twenties. We're exhausted.) This is not a time to be revered, it's a time to be endured. I'm not saying that you can't be happy in your twenties...but I kinda am saying that. Happiness is fleeting when you're young. It's a firefly on a summer's night. Burn bright. Then, Blink. Blink. And it's gone.
Not so at 50. Happiness stays longer here. It stretches out like a cat in the sun.
I'm not sugar-coating this, though. There are negatives to getting older (see also my next post on the Menopause Triad, also known as the What The Fuck Years for women)...but they are far outweighed by the positives. Regardless, here are some of the negatives:
- Where did that spot/lump/bruise/rash come from? AKA Why is my body doing this now? One of the weirdest things about getting older is watching your body change in ways you never really expected. And I'm not talking about wrinkles. Everyone knows that wrinkles are a part of aging. But nobody tells you the about the ways your hair will change all over your body--the texture, the color, the location. It all changes. And your skin? Forget about it. Your skin goes crazy. I have a condition called Granuloma Annulare. It is a basically benign skin condition that involves unsightly red, circular spots on the skin. They are not painful or contagious. And the medical world also has no idea what causes them or how to make them go away. So, now I am a pink and white leopard-lady. For no reason. And I'm lucky. Your spots might be basal cell carcinoma. Thanks to years of sunning without spf, now some spots have to be burned, frozen, or scraped off. Fun.
- Why does this hurt?/Why does everything hurt? Also part of body wear and tear. Something happens as we add mileage to these meat machines, and things start to hurt. As in you "tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen" not because you had a late night, but because your low back hurts and the only way out of bed it to roll off the edge; and your knee is acting up so walking = stumbling; and you've got a crick in your neck from something called "sleeping wrong."
- I can't read that. The eyes go early. And they go fast. This typically happens around 48. You just begin to find words a little softer around the edges as you read. Then one day you will wake up and be completely unable to read any small print without a pair of readers. It's not just a wee bit fuzzy anymore, it is a complete blur. Give up. Buy 20 pairs of readers from the drug store and stash them all over the house.
- Can someone turn that down/up? This one is curious. I'm more affected by loud noises, but I also can't hear quite as well. It's a paradox. Loud places make my skin crawl--turn that shirt down! But I can't understand a damn thing Ted Lasso is saying--turn that shit up!
- Where is my phone/glasses/keys/coffee/etc? And its sisters, Why did I come here? And What was I going to say? This is the mind letting go of what it doesn't deem important. Decades old song lyrics = important. Where you put your keys = unimportant. You've got to have priorities and our brains' priorities are a little out of whack.
But those are all mere trifles for what you get in return. Things like: More...Peace. Contentment. Calm. Intention. Knowing. Quiet Joy. Sweet Laughter. Time. Appreciation. Acceptance. Gratitude. Purposeful Meandering.
The rough waters even out and there are more languid pools of love and fewer white water rapids. Life becomes a little less big city rush hour and a little more small town parade.
Does that sound boring? It's not. It's a relief. If you're lucky enough to live a long, full life, I have a feeling that might be how it ends. Things get a bit slower and slower as the decades go by. And each level of slowing is a bit of relief. Until stopping becomes a relief, too.
But I'm not there yet, so I'll have to let you know in a few decades.
For now, I am 50.
And 50 is good.
Until next time, friends, happy life.
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