Lose Yourself. Find Yourself. Repeat Et. Al.

Long time no see! I know. I sort of dropped off the face of the blog-earth for, like, a year. (#COVID) But I'm back! At least on occasion...when I have something to say, or think I can be of some help to you all while we're out here journeying through life together. So let's start this return to blogging with a commonly used adage in our world today:

Embrace the journey. 

How many times have you heard that encouragement? A hundred? A thousand? A hundred thousand? And how many times have you agreed with it? Nodded your head? Maybe responded, with an affirmation volley: Yes. It's about the journey, not the destination? Nod. Nod.

A lot.

And it's true. It's a great old adage--that's why it's an old adage. But these kinds of sayings aren't really just supposed to be taken at face value. We're not supposed to nod in agreement and then go back to scrolling on our phones or crying into our pints of ice cream. These sayings are meant to be internalized, absorbed, and digested. 

Implemented, even!

There are times when I feel like I really am embracing the journey. Those are typically the good times. You know those moments when you look round you and truly see the beauty in the world and the people in your life--dappled sunlight through the trees, sunrise over snowcapped roofs, kids laughing and playing in the pool, your dog or cat curled up in your lap...

But I struggle with it when things aren't going well. When I get off track. Lost, not in the woods, but in the dark, back alleys of my life. That's when I'm not so much embracing the journey and all those stupid life lessons I have to learn. All those times I forget myself and things aren't going right. When I fall into old, nasty habits. When I forget all the lessons I've technically learned over the years...

And I do dumb things.

I'm not talking dumb, like robbing a bank or losing my job because I was late too many times or came to work drunk. I'm talking dumb like, I know I feel better and am healthier and happier when I exercise and eat healthfully most of the time. Yet, every so often...like whenever my life is disrupted by moving to a new city or having a child or some other big life event...I forget this. I convince myself that I'm happier lazing around and eating junk food on the regular.

Never in my life has this been true. Never. I have never felt better when I don't take care of myself physically. But I can convince myself of this when life goes haywire and everything feels outside of my control. It's like I become a testy adolescent giving a big ol' F-U to the healthy world of adulting. (I don't care if I know deep down that you're right. You can't make me do it.)

In addition to this arguably ridiculous behavior, it seems as though it is nearly impossible to have my shit together in all areas of my life at the same time. If I've got my health in line, then I'm ignoring my creative life. If I'm getting focused writing time, I'm ignoring my painting. If I'm working out and painting, I'm not spending quality time with the kids. Or I'm nailing mommydom and essentially ignoring my husband (that one lasted a while. sorry, hon.). 

It's like playing a never ending game of hide and seek with myself. 

I lose myself. I find myself. I lose myself. I find myself. I lose myself...you get the picture: Repeat ad nauseam. 

But I typically only lose parts of myself each time. Imagine me as 7 people all rolled into one-- like in the movie Inside Out, only instead of different feelings in my head, there are different parts of me in there arguing and vying for attention: Artist, Writer, Mom, Wife, Daughter/Friend, Self (with a capital S), and Healthy Person. 

Each of these parts has their own agenda and wants their stage time in the Amy Show. (Yes, I just referred to my life as the Amy Show. Get over it.)

When Healthy Amy is running the show, we're going out for walks, and working out, and drinking lots of water, and meditating, and eating healthy. When Artist Amy is in charge, we ignore lots of things (like making dinner for the family) in favor of making art as much as possible. And when Writer Amy is running things, a lot of time we write instead of going for a walk (and we drink lots of coffee). Just like when Mom Amy is running the show, we forget to take care of ourselves and we always put the kids first.

Each time one part takes the stage for too long, another part (or parts) gets lost. We forget about her...or not really forget...we ignore her. We look at Healthy Amy and think, 'I really should go for a walk and eat some greens,' and then turn a cold shoulder to her. No, no, we'll help our kids with their homework while making dinner and returning emails instead. We're fine without her.

But if I'm ignoring one part of my self for more than a day or two, that means we are not fine. 

No writing for three months? Not fine. 

No workouts for six months? Not fine. 

No alone time for a Covid year? Not fine. 

Of course, instead of acknowledging that truth and making sure that I never go more than two days without each part of me getting their stage time, I let one or more parts be ignored. And I suffer until some kind of wake up call slaps me upside the head.

This month's wake calls came in the following forms:

1. A few unsavory blood test results. (Giiiiiirrrrrrl. It ain't right.)

2. Not being able to easily get up after falling while skiing for the first time. (Legs just could not do it.)

3. Missing my critique deadline for a WIP book. (That book isn't going to write itself.)

4. Realizing I've missed all of my own writing deadlines for the last three months. (It's, like, really sad.)

5. Finally getting a day alone with the kids at in-person school (after eleven months without any of those) and realizing I haven't actually been able to focus for the last eleven months. (Attention has been divided and conquered...by my kids.)

So, what are you going to do about it, Amy? You ask.

Well, as the producer of this shit show I've decided that we need to make some immediate changes around here. Here's what I'm doing about it:

1. Revamping the workouts and eating, and giving my Healthy Self some serious stage time. (Sadly, this means no more oreos for a while.)

2. Getting back to the page and starting to schedule time for Writer Self to be on stage...a lot. (And I really mean "Schedule It." Like M/W/F 9-11.)

3. Setting better boundaries with the kids when they're schooling from home, so all of the Amys get some uninterrupted stage time. (There's a new sign on my office door. I had to rewrite it a couple of times until I could do it without F-Bombs.)

Yeah, I lost some parts of myself over the last few months...or last year or two. (Whatever.) But I'm finding them again. I'm making things right. Finding myself (my selves?). Winning at hide and seek. (And who doesn't like winning?)

Here's hoping I can find a stage sharing schedule that works for all my parts AND keep to it.

What about you? 

Are there parts of yourself that you've been ignoring or sacrificing? If so, pull those parts out of the back of the closet, dust them off, and get those babies on stage. Give them the limelight. Make a schedule if you have to. Set reminders until it becomes habit again. Find whatever inspiration you need and tend to all your parts. (Yes, all of them.)

Find yourself. All seven or so parts. And give 'em some love and light.

Then, embrace the journey. (For reals.)

Until next time, be you, be well, and be well traveled on this journey.

xo