She let go.

Do you ever feel frazzled? Overwhelmed? Ready to burst from all the balls you're juggling, all the weight that's perched on your shoulders, all the expectations and judgments that feel like they're coming from other people, but really all come from your own thoughts? Maybe sometimes you swipe the thoughts and feelings aside and just keep going. But other times, the weight becomes too much, and you crack. Maybe you cry, maybe you yell, maybe you recede into yourself, maybe you eat, maybe you drink, maybe you have panic attacks, maybe you feel depressed. Whatever you do, you become suddenly aware of your tight grip on the wheel, the tension in your neck and shoulders, the roil of your stomach, the aching tiredness in your bones, and all the mistakes you're making.

If you have ever felt like this, well, this post is for you. Read on.

So, I use the meditation app Insight Timer pretty much everyday. (I highly recommend it.) I listen to guided meditations and use the meditation music for yoga and relaxation; and we often use the app at bedtime with the kids to help them settle down for sleep.

A few weeks ago, when I happened to be going through a particularly rough patch of anxiety, I came across this audio of John Siddique reading a poem on Insight Timer. The poem, She Let Go, is by Safire Rose and I've typed it out for you to read below. But John Siddique's reading of it is just lovely. You can find it on Insight Timer, or you can listen to it on YouTube. Humor me and click on the link here to listen to it right now. Close your eyes, and just listen: She Let Go by Safire Rose; Read by John Siddique

She Let Go

by Safire Rose

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the 'right' reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.

She didn't read a book on how to let go.

She didn't search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go.

She didn't journal about it.

She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go. She didn't analyze whether she should let go.

She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn't call the prayer line.

She didn't utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle

It wasn't good and it wasn't bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore...

I cannot tell you how deeply these words spoke to me that day (and now). I listened to the short recording over and over again, trying to absorb the words like a tree soaking water up from the ground. I tried to make them a part of me. I imagined myself that leaf, letting go and floating gently on the breeze. No more white-knuckled grip on the reins of the illusion of control. And in that moment, I let go.

Letting go didn't stick though. Eventually I grabbed the reins again. Eventually I piled my shoulders high with to-do's and guilt and responsibility. But, then I let go again. And again. And again. And I keep letting go. Each day. Multiple times a day. I stop and close my eyes and imagine myself as that leaf once more. I loosen my grip and then I let go.

Here's what I've learned, and relearned, and relearned again, over the last few weeks. Letting go is a daily practice. Maybe an hourly one. Letting go isn't done once, achieved, and moved on from (as much as I wish it was). It is a practice.

As I get older and wiser, I'm learning that most of the things I learned to do in my twenties and thirties to be a high-functioning and successful adult are actually just anxiety management techniques (and not necessarily healthy ones) linked directly to perfectionism. The more aware of this I become, the more crazy I feel. But it is what it is.

Some of these methods I try to lessen and manage; some I'm trying to get rid of completely. Who knows how successful I'll be. What I do know, what my body has been telling me over the last year, is that I can't keep going the way I've been going. It's time to lighten my load. And so...

She let go.

Until next time, don't consider it, or weigh your options, or talk it over with your friends, just let go.

Namaste.