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Why I'm Trying to Soften (aka Undoing What I Did in My 20s)


As I slowly evolve into an essential oil-using, organic food-eating, affirmation-saying, meditation-doing, Birkenstock-wearing, flowy dress-owning, new age granola lady (my evolution finish line will be Frankie from Grace & Frankie...which may involve moving to Canada), I find that a lot of the "skills" I built up during my twenties and thirties aren't really serving me well in the life I want to live today.

Looking back, I see that much of what I was doing back then was cultivating survival skills. I was building my armor, proving myself as strong and independent and can-do. I was toughening up and accomplishing. And, as any good over-achiever (perfectionist/worthiness-seeker) would do, I took it too far.

So now, in my forties, I find the need to soften...in most every sense of the word. To allow for softness.

At 23, during my first performance review at my first real job out of college, I remember biting the inside of my cheek and and pinching the side of my leg to keep myself from crying. I speed-walked from my boss's office directly to a stall in an empty rest room where I stifle-cried into toilet paper. I didn't deal well with constructive criticism as it was a direct affront to my perfectionism. But that's actually not the point. The point is that I knew it was not acceptable to let the tears flow while my boss spoke. It would have made him uncomfortable.

I learned in high school-- when I was ridiculed by a male teacher for crying during a conversation; then in college when I was deemed too sensitive by a creative writing TA; and finally, when I hit the business world: emotions are not acceptable because they make the men uncomfortable.

God-forbid any man be uncomfortable.

But that is the unspoken culture in any male-dominated interaction: to play the game, you had to play like them. You had to work more and harder; you had to be tough; and you had to leave your emotions at the door.

And what's funny is that having a female boss in the business world was no different. Because they had been indoctrinated into that culture, because they often felt like that had to abide by those rules too, there was no more softness, no more comfort with emotions, with a female boss than there was with a male one.

This is one of the greatest tragedies of the male-dominated world we live in. The extreme lack of tolerance for anything that is not just like "me"...where "me" = man.

Now, I am 44 and no longer working in that business world, and, I say, as my guru Frankie would say, Fuck that shit.

So here I am trying undo all the damage I did back then. Trying to peel away the layers of armor I created that distanced the world from the real me. Excavating to my essence. For me, that means softening.

I am so tired of being tough. Of plowing on. Of sucking it up. Of pushing it down.

Yesterday I was driving my kids to a camp on a farm, following Google Maps like a lemming, when Google Maps failed me. Technology as a whole failed me when I found myself on back country roads with no signal. My calls and texts to the camp owner went unanswered. My phone couldn't reach the satellite so the directions were all screwed up. And we went from being ten minutes early to being twenty minutes late. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but *perfectionism*.

After I finally tracked the place down and dropped my kids off, now needing to rush to my next task, I wove my way along those country roads again and realized I was trying to squelch my emotions. I was fighting for control while alone in my car because I deemed my reaction an over-reaction. But my body desperately needed the emotional release. Finally, I cried. Not a lot. Just a little. But it helped. And I realized that I've spent A LOT of time and energy over the last 20 years pushing down my natural emotional reactions to things. Trying desperately, always, to stay in control. And not make anyone uncomfortable.

And I no longer think that's a good thing.

I've been thinking a lot about what the world would be like if women set the bar for what's acceptable and right. And I imagine that everything would be just a bit softer.

Strength would be softer, more flexible, more compassionate, more flowing, more sensual. Think of our standards for physical beauty today: all hard and muscled. Why not softer? Bendier? More Rubenesque?

Did you know that you can eat healthfully and exercise for good health--you can live a truly healthful lifestyle-- and still be soft? Did you know you can still be beautiful and be soft? Did you know you can still be strong and be soft?

You can also be successful and be soft. (Reminder: you also don't necessarily have to make lots of money or have lots of "status" to be successful.) You can live a rich and lovely and fulfilling and beautiful life in softness.

And I find that as I get older I want more and more to return to my essence...my softness. It's more difficult than just making the decision to do it, though. I've got a lot of muscle memory for hardness. A lot of layers of toughness that need to be peeled away. I think this is going to take a while. But I also think it will be worth it.

Until next time, take a moment and consider the idea of softening. Are there any places in your life where you could benefit from a bit of softening or where you could love more the softness that already is? Try this mantra on for size:

I AM SOFT.

Namaste.







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