Changes

When I planned my and my husband's wedding, I remember being a bit baffled by the fact that here I was working on this wonderful thing-- this thing that I wanted so very, very much-- yet I was massively stressed out. I was overwhelmed by all the work...and all the change. We got engaged, we sold my house, we moved in together, I quit my job, I started a new one, we planned a wedding, we got married, we went to Hawaii...

It was a lot.

But it was all good. I felt like I should have been Mary-Poppins-kind-of-happy. Instead I was more roller-coaster-ride-of-emotions. High highs. Low lows. Lots of stomach dropping into my shoes. 

You know what I mean.

Now, it is once again a time of change. Again, it is all good. It is mostly stuff that I want. But it is-- like getting married, like having a baby-- change to a new way of life. And again, I feel discombobulated.

My kids went back to school this week. For the first time, they are both full day, five days a week, and at the same school. Super cool. In many ways I've been looking forward to this day. But, here I sit on Thursday, and I feel...scattered...overwhelmed...lost?

I know, logically, that I need to give myself time to adjust and to establish a new routine. But I can't help but feel off. I have so much I want to do. So much I envision being able to do. So many stretch goals that I haven't been able to even consider before now. 

But I'm frozen.

So instead of happily embarking on this new adventure, instead of getting to work on those big goals, I'm falling back on the old, comfortable habits-- running errands, sending emails, doing paperwork. You know, busy work. The stuff you need to do, but not the stuff you really want to do. The stuff that can fill up a day without you even realizing it. (Oh, crap! Is it bus time already?)

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT TO BE DOING!

sigh.

My therapist once told me that life can't be all good, all positive, all upbeat, all the time. Life has highs and lows. We have highs and lows. And we have to recognize that and allow for it.

I think she's probably totally right.

But I also think that that's stupid. I just want to surf that high all the time. I want to be up and energetic and happy 24/7/365. Why is that so much to ask for?

Alright, I know I sound stupid. When you say it out loud like that it sounds ridiculous. But that's the underlying expectation that I have. Which is why I get annoyed with myself when I get like this. 

Mopey-pants.

I told myself today, while driving home from a random, post-school-drop-off Target run (busy work), that I would give myself not only this week, but the whole month of September to adjust to this new way of life. That seems more than reasonable, right? We'll see. 

We'll see if I can manage to cut myself some slack and ease into things. And then go after those big goals. I WILL fill my days with the "what I want to be doing" and not the busy work. I will.

Anyway, that's my "Dear Diary" post for the week. Thanks for listening. I hope that if you find yourself in a space of transition, you'll be able to cut yourself some slack too. It's probably something most of us should do more often anyway-- just plain cut ourselves some damn slack.

Here's to getting it right on the fifth or sixth try, and not worrying about the first. Here's to going easy on ourselves and being gentle with those around us, especially in times of change. It's okay to be a mopey-pants for a few days. It's okay to take your time. It's okay to not be perfect...like, ever. 

Until next time, lean into those changes in your life-- let them wash over you like cool waters. Don't fight the current, just flow.