March 31, 2016

A Break in the Middle of it All

On the to-do list: Change ink cartridges in printer

So. I just came back, let's see, 4 days ago, from a culture-sanctioned life-break commonly referred to as: Spring Break.

At some point in our culture, everyone got together and agreed that we would celebrate the end of winter and the coming of spring with a little time off. The schools let my kids off of the hook. Nobody questions it when my husband takes time off work. We load everything into the car and head out on a family vacation.

Which means that I just had a "break."

So can someone explain to me why I so badly want another one?

Is it Spring Fever? Is it longing for summer? Is it rebellion against the routine? Boredom with the monotony? Overwhelm with all of the activities?

I don't know what it is, but I just want a break in the middle of it all. Not a regularly scheduled holiday. Not a culturally-sanctioned vacation. A Break. In the middle. Of it all.

In the middle of the school commute. In the middle of the after school activities. In the middle of the laundry and cleaning. In the middle of the phone calls and emails. In the middle of the appointments. In the middle of the mountains of paperwork. In the middle of all of the crap that I feel like I have to get done EVERY DAY.

I just want a break.

My husband says, "Take a break."
My husband says, "Don't do it all."
My husband says, "Stop."

But my head says no. My head says you have shit to do. My head says you've got to get it all done. My head says you're not doing enough each day. My head says you've got to earn your keep. My head says you've got to do more, be more, do better, be better.

On the other hand, my body asks...Can we take a nap? How about a leisurely walk?

And my heart? Well, my heart is torn. My heart has too many things that it wants to do and not enough time to do it...especially since my head keeps taking up all the time with its "getting shit done."

I hate getting shit done. I hate my to-do list.

I feel like a teenager rebelling against the parent who's telling me what to do...except somehow I'm both the kid and the parent in this scenario.

Which is way weird.

I want to stomp my foot and say no. I want to ball my hands into fists and scrunch up my face in anger and rebellion and scream about how unfair it all is. I want to run to my room and slam the door and turn my music up loud and block out the everything-- most especially the voice in my head that's telling me to get off my ass and...make that call, clean that stove, get that workout in, walk that dog, play with those kids, organize that stuff...

But I won't.

What I will do, most likely, is go get more shit done.

I'd write more, but I have dog messes to clean up and laundry to fold and thank you notes to write and garden beds to weed and...


Until next time, I wish for you duct cover up the mouth of the voice in your head that keeps telling you to do more.

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