September 30, 2014

When Life Gives You Lemons...

My Sweet Cooper

I know I should be writing a real blog post right now. Something useful like a recipe or a craft. I have a book recommendation more than half written, but I just can't bring myself to finish it right now. Both kids are at school. I'm in one of my favorite writing spaces. I have a nice cup of hot coffee inches from my right hand. I even got a good table today.

But it's gray and foggy outside. And it's been a rough month for me. I'm feeling a little blue. My eyes and my body feel heavy and tired. And, I guess I have blogger's block. I think I have too much "life stuff" swimming around in my brain today. I can't seem to clear it away to make room for anything else. So today you get a journal entry instead of a real blog post...

So here's my laundry list for the month: my grandfather passed away; my sweet 9 year old dog, Cooper, has been having some problems and we just discovered he has a cancerous tumor in his bladder; and I had some X-rays done and found out I have degenerative arthritis in my neck. Plus my daughter is not loving kindergarten-- she doesn't think it's fun, she hasn't made any good friends yet, and she's not feeling challenged. ("Challenged" is my word, an example of her words would be: "I want to do REAL math, Mom. This isn't math, this is counting. I've been counting since I was three." Said with the sarcastic tone of a fifteen year old.) She also wants to know why they don't learn science in kindergarten.

This has all left me feeling sad and old and like I've failed my child on educational choices and my dog on love and attention.

I know. I know. Wallow. Wallow. Wallow. Cry me a river.

I know I live a charmed, blessed life. I know I live on easy street. I promise, I know this.

But cut me a little slack, just for a day or two.

Tomorrow, Cooper is scheduled for surgery. If the cancer hasn't spread, he stands a good chance of recovery. But we won't know anything until they go in there. I am dreading tomorrow. I don't want the bad news, so I don't want to know anything at all. I would like to stick my head in the sand until it all has passed. Please let him be okay. Please let me have a second chance to give this little guy (who is fourth in line behind two kids and a husband for my love and attention) more love and attention. Who will I take my nighttime walks with if he's not there?

Friday I have my first physical therapy appointment to see what we can do for my neck/back. It's hard to hear the word "arthritis" the same year you're forced to face the number "forty". I feel SO old. And it's not like you can fix arthritis. All you can do is "manage" it. The doctor said the good news is that once the two bones in my spine fuse together, I should be in less pain. With a little loss of mobility. (This doesn't sound like good news to me.) I imagine myself hunched and frail with a walker.

And Thursday I have a meeting scheduled with my daughter and her teacher. I gave my daughter two choices when she complained to me about school again last week: we can talk with your teacher together and try to make changes at school, or we can start working on math and science at home (we already work on reading). She asked if we could do both. So we got some math workbooks and a cool science book from the library. And I've been on Pinterest looking for projects. Now, we're going to talk with her teacher about what we can do to make her school experience better. I'm trying to work within the system first. If that doesn't work, I will have to look at other options. Unfortunately I haven't found any good private school options less than 45-minutes-to-an-hour away. Why didn't I look deeper into schools before we chose our house?

Oh, and, I think about death a lot more since my grandfather's passing. This can be a bit depressing.

So, dear diary, there you have it. My September. What's a gal to do?

Of course I will pull myself up by my bootstraps and ride on. I will take Cooper to the vet tomorrow and I will get through whatever happens with him as best I can. I will listen to the physical therapist and do good things for my neck. And I will figure out what's best for my daughter's education. And life will go on. And I will be smiling again soon.

But maybe I'll give myself today. Just today. To be glum.

Then tomorrow, I'll bake cookies.

Until next time...When life gives you lemons...make a batch of lemon cookies...and eat them all. Maybe share a few. But let's be honest, there aren't that many cookies because you ate most of the batter.

And it was good.

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